There is something noteworthy to mention from this week.... I am no longer on staff with Mike Holt as a missionary associate.
After nearly two months of working with Mike, I finally realized that I had not had a peace about it all since I started. This wasn't obvious to me until recently. Even at the point where I was talking with Mike and was deciding to walk away it was not obvious. I fought myself on this for a few weeks now. I didn't want to be leaving because of other drama that had happened. I didn't want to be leaving because it was hard. (or harder than I expected) I wanted to make sure that I was not just giving up. But there has been evidence all along that I did not need to be working with Mike. Now please don't take that as anything remotely negative against Mike, The Seven Project or anyone else working with Mike. Only that this job at this time in my life is not what God wants.
So now I am stepping out blindly into the unknown. For the time being, I am picking up shifts at Joshua Cup. I made a couple of phone calls to see if I would be able to pick up some additional part time jobs to supplement what I am able to get at Joshua Cup. Step one in this new journey is simply to find a way to pay the rent and bills. Step two will be figuring out the bigger picture. (I expect step two won't be dealt with until the first of the year.)
Any other updates at this time seem trivial. I will keep this blog. I may have started it with the intention of updating supporters, but I will continue to share my life through this medium until it does not seem to fit any longer.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
drifting away...
Forgive me for not posting in such a long time. And it has not been for lack of something to share. Perhaps it was from too much to share. The past month has been emotional for me.
Daytona was amazing! Pastor John is a saint to let us go to his condo. The views were amazing. We were right on the water. The weather could not have been better! The highs were in the mid to low 80's and the lows were low 70's. It was so restful there. The bed was very comfy! And the friends were amazing. We laughed so much! I can't wait to go back.
It has been hard for me to sit down and raise support. Calling and asking for money might be one of the hardest things ever. But then to have the economy begin to crumble. Everyone is so scared with what money they do have. Who would want to commit to giving money to me when they aren't sure about what they have now. Or what they will have in 6 months.
So I am going back to Joshua Cup part time as a transition into working with Mike. I am picking up shifts when I can and working on some computer things for the owner. I am still with Mike. I am still working on things for House of Grace and Seven Project. I am just going to be doing both for a while longer.
As much as raising support has been emotional for me and hard to deal with. That is not the whole story. Without spilling all my personal business out on to the world wide web, I'll leave it at this -- I told a guy I've liked for a long time how I felt. And he does not feel the same way about me. And to make things more complicated, he is a close friend. So as much as I am not your typically emotional girl, I have been this past month. I am really battling to not let all my past hurts come back to the surface.
So with all that has been on my mind the past month, I started to retreat. I began to avoid the friends that I love. I started hiding. From everyone and everything. I wanted to avoid all the things that were causing me stress. I have pulled out of the hiding a lot this past week. But I still catch myself wanting to run and hide. Now retreating away to get perspective on something or to draw closer to God is a great thing. But that is not what I have been doing. I know what I am doing is not helping (if anything it is making it worse) but I can't stop myself.
In short, I'm hurting. And scared. I don't feel like I know who I am right now. I am doubting what God has told me about myself. And about going into ministry.
I'm in the storm. Trying to hold my ground.
Daytona was amazing! Pastor John is a saint to let us go to his condo. The views were amazing. We were right on the water. The weather could not have been better! The highs were in the mid to low 80's and the lows were low 70's. It was so restful there. The bed was very comfy! And the friends were amazing. We laughed so much! I can't wait to go back.
It has been hard for me to sit down and raise support. Calling and asking for money might be one of the hardest things ever. But then to have the economy begin to crumble. Everyone is so scared with what money they do have. Who would want to commit to giving money to me when they aren't sure about what they have now. Or what they will have in 6 months.
So I am going back to Joshua Cup part time as a transition into working with Mike. I am picking up shifts when I can and working on some computer things for the owner. I am still with Mike. I am still working on things for House of Grace and Seven Project. I am just going to be doing both for a while longer.
As much as raising support has been emotional for me and hard to deal with. That is not the whole story. Without spilling all my personal business out on to the world wide web, I'll leave it at this -- I told a guy I've liked for a long time how I felt. And he does not feel the same way about me. And to make things more complicated, he is a close friend. So as much as I am not your typically emotional girl, I have been this past month. I am really battling to not let all my past hurts come back to the surface.
So with all that has been on my mind the past month, I started to retreat. I began to avoid the friends that I love. I started hiding. From everyone and everything. I wanted to avoid all the things that were causing me stress. I have pulled out of the hiding a lot this past week. But I still catch myself wanting to run and hide. Now retreating away to get perspective on something or to draw closer to God is a great thing. But that is not what I have been doing. I know what I am doing is not helping (if anything it is making it worse) but I can't stop myself.
In short, I'm hurting. And scared. I don't feel like I know who I am right now. I am doubting what God has told me about myself. And about going into ministry.
I'm in the storm. Trying to hold my ground.
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