drifting away...

Forgive me for not posting in such a long time. And it has not been for lack of something to share. Perhaps it was from too much to share. The past month has been emotional for me.

Daytona was amazing! Pastor John is a saint to let us go to his condo. The views were amazing. We were right on the water. The weather could not have been better! The highs were in the mid to low 80's and the lows were low 70's. It was so restful there. The bed was very comfy! And the friends were amazing. We laughed so much! I can't wait to go back.

It has been hard for me to sit down and raise support. Calling and asking for money might be one of the hardest things ever. But then to have the economy begin to crumble. Everyone is so scared with what money they do have. Who would want to commit to giving money to me when they aren't sure about what they have now. Or what they will have in 6 months.

So I am going back to Joshua Cup part time as a transition into working with Mike. I am picking up shifts when I can and working on some computer things for the owner. I am still with Mike. I am still working on things for House of Grace and Seven Project. I am just going to be doing both for a while longer.

As much as raising support has been emotional for me and hard to deal with. That is not the whole story. Without spilling all my personal business out on to the world wide web, I'll leave it at this -- I told a guy I've liked for a long time how I felt. And he does not feel the same way about me. And to make things more complicated, he is a close friend. So as much as I am not your typically emotional girl, I have been this past month. I am really battling to not let all my past hurts come back to the surface.

So with all that has been on my mind the past month, I started to retreat. I began to avoid the friends that I love. I started hiding. From everyone and everything. I wanted to avoid all the things that were causing me stress. I have pulled out of the hiding a lot this past week. But I still catch myself wanting to run and hide. Now retreating away to get perspective on something or to draw closer to God is a great thing. But that is not what I have been doing. I know what I am doing is not helping (if anything it is making it worse) but I can't stop myself.

In short, I'm hurting. And scared. I don't feel like I know who I am right now. I am doubting what God has told me about myself. And about going into ministry.

I'm in the storm. Trying to hold my ground.